Deep Waters

I have lived in the same town, the same house and the same bedroom since I was born.While growing up in this tiny little town, one can quickly find out that there isn't much to do during their time spent here, so during my time of figuring out what to do during the summer months, was to swim. I taught myself how to swim at the young age of three and was in the water from the early mornings till the sun would set in the evenings. My mom was even so afraid that I would wander off and drown in the lake that when I would wake up in the mornings she would strap a life jacket on me instantly in case I decided to jump in the water. My main wardrobe was my swimsuit; I lived in it. But now being in my 20's and no longer needing a life jacket, this last summer I have found myself lost in deep waters.

July has been a month filled with every emotion possible. With trying to move on from the past seeking new beginnings and gaining friendships I still can't help but feel that I'm gasping for air as the water starts to engulf me. Last night I felt as if I had reached my breaking point and needless to say I ended up breaking. I felt tired and weak as I walked to my bedroom and without any notice, I started to cry. I let my emotions that had been bottled up for this entire month spill out. I felt so much anger and rage, yet complete sadness and utter loneliness. Past thoughts, shame and guilt rose to the surface filling me with a sense of worthlessness. Satan saw my weakness and used it as a source to break me down to the feeling of drowning. I needed saving fast because I knew that I couldn't get past these emotions on my own. I tried praying but I felt myself just yelling at God rather than seeking him. I tried listening to my worship music but I got annoyed fast when it wasn't the song I wanted. I tried to sleep but the tears kept coming. I picked up my Bible and opened it to Isaiah 43 where God spoke to me.

Isaiah 43:1 "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name. You are mine."  I cried harder and questioned God. Father am I truly yours? Do you call me by my name? Why would you want to redeem me?

Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the deep waters, I will be with you. And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you."  Lord thank you for saving me when I was drowning. Thank you for not leaving me when I am passing through these deep waters.

Isaiah 43:4 & 5 "You are precious and honored in my sight; I love you...Do not be afraid for I am with you."  Lord do you really view me as precious? I know you love me, but I am afraid. Help me to remember that you are always with me. Give me strength and courage to believe and trust. Give me discernment and clarity to understand your will and desires for my life. Help me to become the woman of god you are calling me to be.

God had redeemed me from the deep dark waters. He wrapped me in his love and warmth where I knew I couldn't be harmed. He showed his immense love by calling me by name. He kept me safe when I was afraid and feared the unknown. Although the deep waters have not gone completely and throughout my life I know I will face more waves, I know that our Father has not forgotten me or has left me to fend for myself, but walked through the waters with me when I was afraid. He walks with us through every wave and storm that may come our way. Do not be afraid...for I Am with you. 

You are Loved

Lately, I have been struggling with the sense of feeling loved. Love is a confusing topic, filled with questions, what-ifs, I-wonders and especially who? This summer I have seen constant streams of Facebook photos filled with engagements and marriages of friends and classmates from my University while sometimes it can be hard to sit back and wait for your time to come. Recently I heard this song by one of my favorite artists, J.J. Heller, called Loved. It was reassuring to listen to these lyrics and be reminded of Who you are loved by, in the moments of when you feel unloved.

Sticks and Stones

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." Whoever said these words can know that this is completely false. Words hurt. They can pierce your heart, make you feel incredibly weak, make you angry, alone and helpless that to some extremes, some people take their own life. What baffles me, is that even though I'm sure everyone in their life at some point has had hurtful words said to them, they still chose to say it to others knowing how hard it can be.

Over the years, I have had some incredibly harsh words said to me, some that still haunt me to this day just because someone decided to let those things come from their mouth. I have had my arm broken in two places and that hurt, the pain shot through my arm and I cried, but over time it had healed. I can tell you today I will hardly look back on that event, but words, those can stay with you the rest of your life.

"You'll never measure up to anything. You'll be flipping burgers the rest of your life and never get into college because you're so lazy!"
"Don't eat that piece of chocolate, you'll only get more fat."
"Gosh, you're such a selfish little B****."
"You're worthless"
"Why the hell are you crying? Just get over it, no one cares anyway,"

When I was in High School, it was some of the worst possible years of my life. During my senior year, I had a majority of my graduating class spread rumors about me, start Facebook feeds and status' about me, some parents of the community had even joined in. I was so shunned that my mom would sign me out of school early to go home because I was scared to walk down the hallway without getting something shouted at me or dirty looks. During this time, I didn't know if I would ever get into college because my ACT score was so low and I was told to start looking at other options. I also was going through some medical mysteries and issues that only made matters worse. I didn't have anyone to truly lean on besides God.

Although out of all of these matters, some words that aren't directly said to you can only be more hurtful. People that you once thought were friends say things about you behind your back and act fake towards your face. I admit, I am a girl and girls love to gossip and sometimes I have caught myself gossiping without even realizing I was. But how do we have the right to gossip about someone and say these things without us truly knowing someone's heart? What if the decisions they had made were because financial issues or problems going on in their family? It makes me angry and heartbroken how we can blatantly go throughout our life and say rude hurtful things to others and sleep just fine at night while they may be at home crying and plotting out reasons to leave.

Though those hurtful things were said to me in my past, I didn't let them hold me back. Yes, sometimes those things can surface and be brought to my mind in the weakest of moments, but over time I have made it into college and hold a 3.5 GPA, while maintaining two jobs, 17 credits, while still being in clubs and organizations. During that time I am proud to say that I've lost 13 pounds and my relationship with Christ has never been stronger. I didn't accomplish these things to prove people wrong, but I did these things because I know that without Christ these things wouldn't have been possible. He has given me the strength and the faith to believe the impossible, that if I have faith as small as a mustard seed that I can move mountains. Tears were shed, but mountains were moved.

If I have ever personally said hurtful words to anyone reading this, know that I am truly sorry and that those things were false. Forgive me for my wrong doing and know that you are worthy and righteous in the hands of Christ. God sees the potential in our lives and how far we can go if we just trust and seek Him daily. You are intelligent, talented, strong, beautiful and can accomplish more than you can believe. If hurtful words have ever hurt you to the point of wanting to give up, know that you are loved and cared for beyond what you can imagine. Christ calls us to love just as he loves us and to serve as he had served. Those hurtful words and put downs are lies from Satan that only wants to hurt you more, but whenever you feel unloved, unimportant, or insecure, remember to whom you belong.

Luke 6:45 "A good man says good things. These come from the good that is put away in his heart. An evil man says evil things. These come from the evil that is put away in his heart. Their mouths say everything that is in their hearts."

Psalms 31: 7-8, 18 & 24 "I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish in my soul. You have not given me into the hands of the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place...Let their lying lips be silenced, for with pride and contempt they speak arrogantly against the righteous...Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord."

Hard Decisions

I'm sure we all have come across times in our lives when we have had to make a difficult decision. Whether that was financially, which university to attend, relationships or even which restaurant to eat at. Whatever the decision that was made, it can alter what our future may hold, but what I have been reminded of is that I'm not in control.

God has a way of working in mysterious ways; ways that I will never fully understand or comprehend. He has a way of teaching me lessons that at the time I don't want to be taught, but in the end I always take something away from it. Today I had to make a hard decision in my life, that I knew would determine my future. I cried...a lot. But it didn't stop me from seeking God any less because I knew he had his reasons. Last night I was physically on my knees crying out in prayer to God asking him to help me. I couldn't make these decisions on my own. I opened up my Bible in hope of finding something that would scream to me so I knew that God's Spirit was in my room holding me in my times of confusion and worry. I did the blank open the Bible to a page sorta thing hoping that what was on that page said something awesome and powerful. Apparently it worked, because what I read in Lamentations 3 gave me a new light.

In Lamentations, a lot of the verses are surrounded on sorrow, pain, fear, etc, but despite all the sorrow and crying and fear, God was present, His compassion and love never failed. We are not swallowed in our sin and darkness, but the Lords faithfulness and love is new every morning. Though I may not know what my future holds within the next few months or even year, I will wait on the Lord with all my heart. I may not understand the grief and tears at the moment, but God will never fail to fulfill those promises he has made to me.

Lamentations 3:19-26, 31-32
"I remember how I suffered and wandered. I remember how bitter my life was. My spirit is very sad deep down inside me. But there is something else I remember and it gives me hope. The Lord loves us very much. So we haven't been completely destroyed. His loving concern never fails. His great love is new every morning. Lord, how faithful you are! I say to myself, 'The Lord is everything I will ever need, so I will put my hope in Him.' The Lord is good to those who put their hope in Him. He is good to those who look to him. it is good when people wait quietly for the Lord to save them...The Lord doesn't turn his back on people forever. He might bring suffering, but he will also show loving concern. How great his faithful love is!"

Chicken Sandwiches

This week my parents decided to go on a vacation up to Canada with no cell phone service and minimal
 internet access. If there was an emergency, I was given a scribbled note left on the dining table with the resorts phone number on it in case anything were to happen. Today, I was boarder line ready to call them, not that there was an emergency or anything, but I was about ready to make these new chickens we had just gotten into chicken sandwiches.

I'll back track a little for you. A while ago, my mom wanted chickens so she convinced my dad to turn our old shed into a chicken coop where she then would take care of and love on these chickens. Since having them they act like little puppies and come running out to us every time we approach them. So as my parents planned out their trip to Canada, they asked me to take care of their chickens. My dad walked me through everything from letting them out in the morning to putting them back in at night. Seems simple enough right? Today I felt as if God was giving me a challenge to my chicken farming skills and I hoped I passed. This morning as I was driving from my sisters house to go let out our chickens, a big burly black bear ran in front of me. I slowed down, rolled down my window and watched the bear run into the woods. I kept driving and as I get home, I see that the chicken coop door was ripped open and corn was everywhere. I sprinted in fear that my mom's chickens were dead. I swung open the other door and counted as fast as I could. 12. Thank you Jesus. All 12 were there. I opened up their little doggy door to let them out and wander around as I sat for the next hour or so cleaning up corn from the ground. I'm not very handy so I didn't know how I was going to fix this door the bear had broken. I called my grandpa and he didn't pick up. I figured he was busy so I waited. I walked out to the mail box to get the mail and lo and behold the same bear runs across our road into the woods. I quick jumped into my car and chased after the bear like a mad race not sure what my next plan of attack would be. Instead I just wailed my car horn hoping that would scare it enough.
Moments later, the construction guy that had been working on remodeling our bathrooms drives into our drive way. I walk over to his truck asking if he could help me fix a door. I was so fortunate that he happened to come to our house that day let alone be a construction guy with all the right tools in his truck. I called the DNR and told him about our bear problem where about an hour later he proceeds to bring a bear trap out to our house and tell me what I need to do if the bear comes back. I felt like I was signing up for the army.

Everything seemed to quiet down. The chickens seemed safe, I was on the lookout for a bear, the corn was locked up and the door was fixed. I thought I would be done saving chickens for the day. Little did I know, a severe thunderstorm warning was issued with quarter sized hail and pouring rain. I thought the chickens would be smart enough to make their way into the coop when it started down pouring. I run out there in the down pour to close them in. I peer over the fence and see two chickens huddled in the corner trying to stay dry under the smallest branch possible. I was soaked and had to figure out a game plan as hail was on its way. I jump in the fenced off area and proceed to chase two chickens in circles until they finally decide to cluck their way into the coop and I slam the door shut. I ran back to the house in the pouring rain as I mumbled under my breath "if these were my chickens, they would be chicken sandwiches by now."

Perfect Timing

When it comes to waiting, I am probably one of thee most impatient people on this planet. I hate waiting for my computer to load, I hate waiting for a phone call or text back, I hate waiting for dinner time, and most of all, I hate waiting for what is yet to come.

I am a person of planning, organizing, creating and thinking strategically of ways I can make the future come faster. I have planned out my four years of college to graduate early. I have looked at companies and businesses to see which ones I can apply for after graduation. I have a book I've written on flowers, dresses and venues for my future wedding. It is never ending. But what is the future? When does the future actually arrive? I spent all of high school wishing I was in college. Now that I am in college, I am wishing I was graduated and starting my career and life. But I have to step back and realize that life has already started and in my past I was awaiting the future and now that the future is here I want to go back and fix my mistakes, start over and plan what I see my future as. But that is not my job. I am not the planner of my life. My Heavenly Father is the only true one that knows the path, both rough and smooth, of what my future may hold. I hope and pray for that perfect timing moment, but what I may see as perfect timing, God's timing may be completely different. I have cried out several times throughout my life "God, when is this going to happen?! When will it come??" Yet he has always replied to me: "Be patient Billie Kay, I will bring it in time."   Sometimes I get frustrated and angry wanting it to be on my time and not His. Although all in all, I have no clue where I will be in two years, five years, let alone ten years. I can plan, organize and lay out my map of where I want to be, but God can always change the blue prints of what I want and direct me on the path of where He wants.

There's a great quote from one of my favorite movies, Lord of the Rings, where Gandalf is speaking to Frodo where he is questioned why he is late where Gandalf replies "A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to."

Although God is not a wizard, this quote reminds me of how He tends to work. He is never late, nor early, but he arrives precisely when he means to with perfect timing and he will work in ways we will never apprehend, leading us onto the paths of the unexpected.

Proverbs 19:21 "You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail."

Alone Time

I would say that I am an out going person. I like to talk and mingle with people and get to know who they are and how they tick, but this last week, being in a small town surrounded by nothing but trees and a wide open lake, I have felt nothing but alone.

During the school year in St. Paul, it was fun being in the cities, always having something to do and explore. Although there were times that I did need my time to be away from the chatter and sound of cars and go back to my small town in the woods where I felt silence. Don't get me wrong I love being home where all I can hear is birds chirping and boats buzz by on the lake, but I've realized lately how alone I've felt and in a sense, empty.

Last night I sat on my bedroom floor attempting to work on homework for my summer class but failed. My mind was turning and I was filled with emotion, bitterness and loneliness. I cried and picked up my Bible and just asked God "Please Lord, don't let me feel so alone, give me your word and Spirit so I can be filled again!" To be honest, I was hoping for some kind of revival, but I felt nothing and simply sat there. My sister came in around 11:30 and asked if she could sleep in my room. We laid in my bed and chatted like little girls, yet I still felt lonely even when my best friend was sitting next to me. I tossed and turned and didn't feel comfortable and laid awake till about 2:40 a.m. I knew that God would never leave me nor forsake me, but why in these moments did I not feel Him? Why did I feel so uncomfortable and utterly alone? I couldn't understand it.

It's now the next morning and I am currently sitting in the silence of my big empty home, with the coffee pot empty and my textbooks sitting next to me spread open across the table. I looked out the windows and stared at the lake, which mirrored the trees as if the lake were glass and I couldn't help but be reminded of the Lords gentleness.

Sometimes we expect God to appear in miraculous ways, bold and booming voices with lightening and powerful actions, that sometimes we look past the moments when he is there in the quiet and stillness of life with a small quiet whisper, calling out to us.



1 Kings 19:11-12 "The Lord said 'Go stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by'. Then a great and powerful wind came and tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind, there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper."