Deep Waters

I have lived in the same town, the same house and the same bedroom since I was born.While growing up in this tiny little town, one can quickly find out that there isn't much to do during their time spent here, so during my time of figuring out what to do during the summer months, was to swim. I taught myself how to swim at the young age of three and was in the water from the early mornings till the sun would set in the evenings. My mom was even so afraid that I would wander off and drown in the lake that when I would wake up in the mornings she would strap a life jacket on me instantly in case I decided to jump in the water. My main wardrobe was my swimsuit; I lived in it. But now being in my 20's and no longer needing a life jacket, this last summer I have found myself lost in deep waters.

July has been a month filled with every emotion possible. With trying to move on from the past seeking new beginnings and gaining friendships I still can't help but feel that I'm gasping for air as the water starts to engulf me. Last night I felt as if I had reached my breaking point and needless to say I ended up breaking. I felt tired and weak as I walked to my bedroom and without any notice, I started to cry. I let my emotions that had been bottled up for this entire month spill out. I felt so much anger and rage, yet complete sadness and utter loneliness. Past thoughts, shame and guilt rose to the surface filling me with a sense of worthlessness. Satan saw my weakness and used it as a source to break me down to the feeling of drowning. I needed saving fast because I knew that I couldn't get past these emotions on my own. I tried praying but I felt myself just yelling at God rather than seeking him. I tried listening to my worship music but I got annoyed fast when it wasn't the song I wanted. I tried to sleep but the tears kept coming. I picked up my Bible and opened it to Isaiah 43 where God spoke to me.

Isaiah 43:1 "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name. You are mine."  I cried harder and questioned God. Father am I truly yours? Do you call me by my name? Why would you want to redeem me?

Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the deep waters, I will be with you. And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you."  Lord thank you for saving me when I was drowning. Thank you for not leaving me when I am passing through these deep waters.

Isaiah 43:4 & 5 "You are precious and honored in my sight; I love you...Do not be afraid for I am with you."  Lord do you really view me as precious? I know you love me, but I am afraid. Help me to remember that you are always with me. Give me strength and courage to believe and trust. Give me discernment and clarity to understand your will and desires for my life. Help me to become the woman of god you are calling me to be.

God had redeemed me from the deep dark waters. He wrapped me in his love and warmth where I knew I couldn't be harmed. He showed his immense love by calling me by name. He kept me safe when I was afraid and feared the unknown. Although the deep waters have not gone completely and throughout my life I know I will face more waves, I know that our Father has not forgotten me or has left me to fend for myself, but walked through the waters with me when I was afraid. He walks with us through every wave and storm that may come our way. Do not be afraid...for I Am with you. 

You are Loved

Lately, I have been struggling with the sense of feeling loved. Love is a confusing topic, filled with questions, what-ifs, I-wonders and especially who? This summer I have seen constant streams of Facebook photos filled with engagements and marriages of friends and classmates from my University while sometimes it can be hard to sit back and wait for your time to come. Recently I heard this song by one of my favorite artists, J.J. Heller, called Loved. It was reassuring to listen to these lyrics and be reminded of Who you are loved by, in the moments of when you feel unloved.

Sticks and Stones

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." Whoever said these words can know that this is completely false. Words hurt. They can pierce your heart, make you feel incredibly weak, make you angry, alone and helpless that to some extremes, some people take their own life. What baffles me, is that even though I'm sure everyone in their life at some point has had hurtful words said to them, they still chose to say it to others knowing how hard it can be.

Over the years, I have had some incredibly harsh words said to me, some that still haunt me to this day just because someone decided to let those things come from their mouth. I have had my arm broken in two places and that hurt, the pain shot through my arm and I cried, but over time it had healed. I can tell you today I will hardly look back on that event, but words, those can stay with you the rest of your life.

"You'll never measure up to anything. You'll be flipping burgers the rest of your life and never get into college because you're so lazy!"
"Don't eat that piece of chocolate, you'll only get more fat."
"Gosh, you're such a selfish little B****."
"You're worthless"
"Why the hell are you crying? Just get over it, no one cares anyway,"

When I was in High School, it was some of the worst possible years of my life. During my senior year, I had a majority of my graduating class spread rumors about me, start Facebook feeds and status' about me, some parents of the community had even joined in. I was so shunned that my mom would sign me out of school early to go home because I was scared to walk down the hallway without getting something shouted at me or dirty looks. During this time, I didn't know if I would ever get into college because my ACT score was so low and I was told to start looking at other options. I also was going through some medical mysteries and issues that only made matters worse. I didn't have anyone to truly lean on besides God.

Although out of all of these matters, some words that aren't directly said to you can only be more hurtful. People that you once thought were friends say things about you behind your back and act fake towards your face. I admit, I am a girl and girls love to gossip and sometimes I have caught myself gossiping without even realizing I was. But how do we have the right to gossip about someone and say these things without us truly knowing someone's heart? What if the decisions they had made were because financial issues or problems going on in their family? It makes me angry and heartbroken how we can blatantly go throughout our life and say rude hurtful things to others and sleep just fine at night while they may be at home crying and plotting out reasons to leave.

Though those hurtful things were said to me in my past, I didn't let them hold me back. Yes, sometimes those things can surface and be brought to my mind in the weakest of moments, but over time I have made it into college and hold a 3.5 GPA, while maintaining two jobs, 17 credits, while still being in clubs and organizations. During that time I am proud to say that I've lost 13 pounds and my relationship with Christ has never been stronger. I didn't accomplish these things to prove people wrong, but I did these things because I know that without Christ these things wouldn't have been possible. He has given me the strength and the faith to believe the impossible, that if I have faith as small as a mustard seed that I can move mountains. Tears were shed, but mountains were moved.

If I have ever personally said hurtful words to anyone reading this, know that I am truly sorry and that those things were false. Forgive me for my wrong doing and know that you are worthy and righteous in the hands of Christ. God sees the potential in our lives and how far we can go if we just trust and seek Him daily. You are intelligent, talented, strong, beautiful and can accomplish more than you can believe. If hurtful words have ever hurt you to the point of wanting to give up, know that you are loved and cared for beyond what you can imagine. Christ calls us to love just as he loves us and to serve as he had served. Those hurtful words and put downs are lies from Satan that only wants to hurt you more, but whenever you feel unloved, unimportant, or insecure, remember to whom you belong.

Luke 6:45 "A good man says good things. These come from the good that is put away in his heart. An evil man says evil things. These come from the evil that is put away in his heart. Their mouths say everything that is in their hearts."

Psalms 31: 7-8, 18 & 24 "I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish in my soul. You have not given me into the hands of the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place...Let their lying lips be silenced, for with pride and contempt they speak arrogantly against the righteous...Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord."

Hard Decisions

I'm sure we all have come across times in our lives when we have had to make a difficult decision. Whether that was financially, which university to attend, relationships or even which restaurant to eat at. Whatever the decision that was made, it can alter what our future may hold, but what I have been reminded of is that I'm not in control.

God has a way of working in mysterious ways; ways that I will never fully understand or comprehend. He has a way of teaching me lessons that at the time I don't want to be taught, but in the end I always take something away from it. Today I had to make a hard decision in my life, that I knew would determine my future. I cried...a lot. But it didn't stop me from seeking God any less because I knew he had his reasons. Last night I was physically on my knees crying out in prayer to God asking him to help me. I couldn't make these decisions on my own. I opened up my Bible in hope of finding something that would scream to me so I knew that God's Spirit was in my room holding me in my times of confusion and worry. I did the blank open the Bible to a page sorta thing hoping that what was on that page said something awesome and powerful. Apparently it worked, because what I read in Lamentations 3 gave me a new light.

In Lamentations, a lot of the verses are surrounded on sorrow, pain, fear, etc, but despite all the sorrow and crying and fear, God was present, His compassion and love never failed. We are not swallowed in our sin and darkness, but the Lords faithfulness and love is new every morning. Though I may not know what my future holds within the next few months or even year, I will wait on the Lord with all my heart. I may not understand the grief and tears at the moment, but God will never fail to fulfill those promises he has made to me.

Lamentations 3:19-26, 31-32
"I remember how I suffered and wandered. I remember how bitter my life was. My spirit is very sad deep down inside me. But there is something else I remember and it gives me hope. The Lord loves us very much. So we haven't been completely destroyed. His loving concern never fails. His great love is new every morning. Lord, how faithful you are! I say to myself, 'The Lord is everything I will ever need, so I will put my hope in Him.' The Lord is good to those who put their hope in Him. He is good to those who look to him. it is good when people wait quietly for the Lord to save them...The Lord doesn't turn his back on people forever. He might bring suffering, but he will also show loving concern. How great his faithful love is!"

Chicken Sandwiches

This week my parents decided to go on a vacation up to Canada with no cell phone service and minimal
 internet access. If there was an emergency, I was given a scribbled note left on the dining table with the resorts phone number on it in case anything were to happen. Today, I was boarder line ready to call them, not that there was an emergency or anything, but I was about ready to make these new chickens we had just gotten into chicken sandwiches.

I'll back track a little for you. A while ago, my mom wanted chickens so she convinced my dad to turn our old shed into a chicken coop where she then would take care of and love on these chickens. Since having them they act like little puppies and come running out to us every time we approach them. So as my parents planned out their trip to Canada, they asked me to take care of their chickens. My dad walked me through everything from letting them out in the morning to putting them back in at night. Seems simple enough right? Today I felt as if God was giving me a challenge to my chicken farming skills and I hoped I passed. This morning as I was driving from my sisters house to go let out our chickens, a big burly black bear ran in front of me. I slowed down, rolled down my window and watched the bear run into the woods. I kept driving and as I get home, I see that the chicken coop door was ripped open and corn was everywhere. I sprinted in fear that my mom's chickens were dead. I swung open the other door and counted as fast as I could. 12. Thank you Jesus. All 12 were there. I opened up their little doggy door to let them out and wander around as I sat for the next hour or so cleaning up corn from the ground. I'm not very handy so I didn't know how I was going to fix this door the bear had broken. I called my grandpa and he didn't pick up. I figured he was busy so I waited. I walked out to the mail box to get the mail and lo and behold the same bear runs across our road into the woods. I quick jumped into my car and chased after the bear like a mad race not sure what my next plan of attack would be. Instead I just wailed my car horn hoping that would scare it enough.
Moments later, the construction guy that had been working on remodeling our bathrooms drives into our drive way. I walk over to his truck asking if he could help me fix a door. I was so fortunate that he happened to come to our house that day let alone be a construction guy with all the right tools in his truck. I called the DNR and told him about our bear problem where about an hour later he proceeds to bring a bear trap out to our house and tell me what I need to do if the bear comes back. I felt like I was signing up for the army.

Everything seemed to quiet down. The chickens seemed safe, I was on the lookout for a bear, the corn was locked up and the door was fixed. I thought I would be done saving chickens for the day. Little did I know, a severe thunderstorm warning was issued with quarter sized hail and pouring rain. I thought the chickens would be smart enough to make their way into the coop when it started down pouring. I run out there in the down pour to close them in. I peer over the fence and see two chickens huddled in the corner trying to stay dry under the smallest branch possible. I was soaked and had to figure out a game plan as hail was on its way. I jump in the fenced off area and proceed to chase two chickens in circles until they finally decide to cluck their way into the coop and I slam the door shut. I ran back to the house in the pouring rain as I mumbled under my breath "if these were my chickens, they would be chicken sandwiches by now."

Perfect Timing

When it comes to waiting, I am probably one of thee most impatient people on this planet. I hate waiting for my computer to load, I hate waiting for a phone call or text back, I hate waiting for dinner time, and most of all, I hate waiting for what is yet to come.

I am a person of planning, organizing, creating and thinking strategically of ways I can make the future come faster. I have planned out my four years of college to graduate early. I have looked at companies and businesses to see which ones I can apply for after graduation. I have a book I've written on flowers, dresses and venues for my future wedding. It is never ending. But what is the future? When does the future actually arrive? I spent all of high school wishing I was in college. Now that I am in college, I am wishing I was graduated and starting my career and life. But I have to step back and realize that life has already started and in my past I was awaiting the future and now that the future is here I want to go back and fix my mistakes, start over and plan what I see my future as. But that is not my job. I am not the planner of my life. My Heavenly Father is the only true one that knows the path, both rough and smooth, of what my future may hold. I hope and pray for that perfect timing moment, but what I may see as perfect timing, God's timing may be completely different. I have cried out several times throughout my life "God, when is this going to happen?! When will it come??" Yet he has always replied to me: "Be patient Billie Kay, I will bring it in time."   Sometimes I get frustrated and angry wanting it to be on my time and not His. Although all in all, I have no clue where I will be in two years, five years, let alone ten years. I can plan, organize and lay out my map of where I want to be, but God can always change the blue prints of what I want and direct me on the path of where He wants.

There's a great quote from one of my favorite movies, Lord of the Rings, where Gandalf is speaking to Frodo where he is questioned why he is late where Gandalf replies "A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to."

Although God is not a wizard, this quote reminds me of how He tends to work. He is never late, nor early, but he arrives precisely when he means to with perfect timing and he will work in ways we will never apprehend, leading us onto the paths of the unexpected.

Proverbs 19:21 "You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail."

Alone Time

I would say that I am an out going person. I like to talk and mingle with people and get to know who they are and how they tick, but this last week, being in a small town surrounded by nothing but trees and a wide open lake, I have felt nothing but alone.

During the school year in St. Paul, it was fun being in the cities, always having something to do and explore. Although there were times that I did need my time to be away from the chatter and sound of cars and go back to my small town in the woods where I felt silence. Don't get me wrong I love being home where all I can hear is birds chirping and boats buzz by on the lake, but I've realized lately how alone I've felt and in a sense, empty.

Last night I sat on my bedroom floor attempting to work on homework for my summer class but failed. My mind was turning and I was filled with emotion, bitterness and loneliness. I cried and picked up my Bible and just asked God "Please Lord, don't let me feel so alone, give me your word and Spirit so I can be filled again!" To be honest, I was hoping for some kind of revival, but I felt nothing and simply sat there. My sister came in around 11:30 and asked if she could sleep in my room. We laid in my bed and chatted like little girls, yet I still felt lonely even when my best friend was sitting next to me. I tossed and turned and didn't feel comfortable and laid awake till about 2:40 a.m. I knew that God would never leave me nor forsake me, but why in these moments did I not feel Him? Why did I feel so uncomfortable and utterly alone? I couldn't understand it.

It's now the next morning and I am currently sitting in the silence of my big empty home, with the coffee pot empty and my textbooks sitting next to me spread open across the table. I looked out the windows and stared at the lake, which mirrored the trees as if the lake were glass and I couldn't help but be reminded of the Lords gentleness.

Sometimes we expect God to appear in miraculous ways, bold and booming voices with lightening and powerful actions, that sometimes we look past the moments when he is there in the quiet and stillness of life with a small quiet whisper, calling out to us.



1 Kings 19:11-12 "The Lord said 'Go stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by'. Then a great and powerful wind came and tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind, there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper."

Happy Heart

Recently I finished up my sophomore year of college. (WOO-HOO!) I'm finally moved home and within the last two weeks, I have finally unpacked the final bin sitting in my room. I've also recently started a new job which God has completely blessed me with when I was distraught about finding a summer job. The kick off to summer has been a pleasant one and I'm happy to be home in my small town in northern Wisconsin. Although, now that life has slowed down slightly I couldn't help but try and keep myself busy like I once did during the school year. 

A couple days ago, I made a To-Do list and taped it to my mirror to clean the house, do the dishes, laundry, mow the lawn, workout and at the end, I put: be happy, stay positive, you are a child of the One True King. A dear friend of mine, towards the end of the school year told me that each morning I should wake up and say to myself "I am a Child of God." I kind of laughed about it when she had told me to say that out loud in the mornings because I already knew that I was a Child of God. I belong to Him and I didn't think I should have to remind myself of that. But lately I decided to take the somewhat of a challenge and say that to myself: I am a Child of God. For the last few mornings I've woken up, I have felt more positive, alive and awake with Christ dwelling in my heart, knowing that if the worst was to happen this very day, I would be okay because I am a Child of the High King. I felt compelled to clean more, work harder and trying to do things for others without being asked. Doing this I've noticed has made my heart happy because I know that God loves me with all that He has and He has simply blessed me with another day to breathe, enjoy the sun and the rain, sip my coffee, and be with the people I love for another day. 

Today I sit in a little coffee shop called "The Hideaway", where I'm sitting in the back corner of the shop tucked away, looking out the window and watching people pass by, writing my blog and drinking a large cup of coffee. Today my heart is happy because I know that it is secure in Christ where He dwells in me. Today we are all Children of the One True King, whether we are five years old, or 55 years old, we can rely on Christ knowing that He will always be there with open arms as if we are children running into our Daddy's arms, where He will always hold us with warm loving hands. 

Thank you Father for another day to breathe, be alive, and worship you. Give us the strength and desire to be positive and serve with whole hearts as working for the Lord not for man, being reminded that we are truly your sons and daughters where we know you will never leave us nor forsake us. 

1 John 3:1 "See what great love the Father has given us so freely, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we truly are..."

Bitter Heart

In less than 4 days I will be in the midst of finals. Unfortunately all my finals are on one day; Monday. At the moment I'm filled with nothing but anger and frustration to the point of just wanting to throw my laptop across the room and say "forget it!" But even in the bitterness and frustration, God can bring peace in the storms.

As I'm writing, I have a massive build up of emotions. I want to cry because I'm stressed. I'm angry because of mistakes and all the things I have yet to finish, (yet I decide to write in my blog instead). I'm bitter towards all the other schools that are already finished. I'm frustrated because I still don't know what I'll be doing for a job as summer rolls around. I want to be outside, on the beach, riding my bike, basking in the sun and not have a worry in life, but I know that isn't a possibility.

I want to scream and cry out to God with all my anger and ask him to take it away and cast it down, but yet I still feel it building up as if I ate too much and I can't swallow. It's difficult to know that in the storms of life with all the stress and anger, that God can bring peace to those who are weary. All we have to do is ask, be still and just be in His presence. Sometimes as humans we get caught up in the busyness of life. Cars drive faster to get to their destination rather than rolling down their window and enjoying the view of the drive. Companies cut back on lunch breaks so their employees get more work done with lesser time to relax and more time to get things done. According to the Journal of American Medicine, only 43 percent of families eat a meal together every day. We eat when its convenient, not having the patience for others to sit down and spend time with us. Our stress can control us and how we live letting it be the reins to how our day can play out. Sometimes we just have to be still and God will bring us rest from our weariness and peace from the bitterness, away from the buzz of our phones, the chatter and the cars whizzing by.

So this week, I challenge you, even if you are in the middle of finals, to just take five, ten minutes or maybe even half an hour to just be still and to be with God. Don't think about what you have to do in an hour from now or even a day let alone a week from now, but just let God's Spirit come and flow through you. He is an all powerful God with the ability to bring the peace and rest when we are in desperate need for it.

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."

Mothers

My mom and I have many memories together. The good, the bad and the ugly are all included. We have had our share of fights, heart felt conversations, shopping outings and laughable embarrassing moments, but being now in college and older than what I was in high school, my love for my mom has expanded to a whole new level.

Being a sophomore in college, I am now starting to realize some of the qualities I have in myself that I so clearly got from my mother. One of them would be my ever forgetful memory of having my glasses on my face while searching the house high and low for where I had apparently misplaced them or having my purse on my shoulder when I thought I had left it in a store. Whatever the quality I have received from my mom, I have learned more from her than she probably knows. I am an observer. I learn things by watching and through hands on rather than being instructed what to do, and through the years I have observed my mom and have seen the beautiful things as well as the struggles. What I have picked up over the years is that my mom has a true heart of gold that no other person could replace. She loves on everyone that walks through the door being a servant of the Lord and a warrior of Christ. She also is a mom that knows her facts. Several times my family has thought they knew their trivia, but mom somehow know otherwise. I have watched her read her Bible almost every night growing up as she sat with a pen in hand making marks and reading slowly and diligently. I have seen her cry and hurt when she had lost her own mother and my beautiful grandmother. I have watched her struggle and have a heart for kids that come into her office at school that have a rough home life. I have seen her fight for the impossible and find the beauty in the smallest of things.

I have learned that my mother is a true woman of God, and I strive to be like that someday caring for her children and husband with a beautiful love that is indescribable with words.I have always looked up to my mom, even now that I stand five inches taller and give her my hand-me-downs but she will always stand taller than me with the confidence and passion she portrays.
Happy Mothers Day mom. I look forward to the many talks,walks and memories to come.

Proverbs 31:10, 25-30 "Who can find a virtuous woman? She is far more precious than jewels...Strength and honor are her clothing, and she can laugh at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and loving instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the activities of her household and is never idle. Her sons rise up and call her blessed. Her husband also praises her: Many women are capable, but you surpass them all! Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

Single Servings

I go to a private Christian University, otherwise known as a bridal college. At my college, there is three categories of people: the singles, the daters, and the marrieds.

Coming into my freshman year of college in 2011, I made a commitment to be single for the entire year and not focus on dating but rather making friends, getting in the grove of college, strengthening my faith with God and attempting my swing at good grades, and let me just say, I did just that. During that entire year, I made awesome friendships, had sporadic outgoings, pulled some pranks, made good grades and grew immensely in my faith with Jesus Christ. Being single during that time had its many ups and downs, but all in all was one of the best decisions I had ever made.
After my year and a half of saying goodbye to dating, I got into a relationship around Christmas of 2012. I was excited and pumped to begin a new journey in the new category of people at Bethel. Although, coming to this bridal college has its consequences as well; the influences. Everyone at my college tends to have a "ring by spring" or get married at a young age, and it is something that can effect you without realizing it's happening. Being a girl that my dream job is planning weddings, it is something I think about often and try not to get caught up in letting my mind wander into what may be in my future.
Not that long ago, my brother-in-law was in the cities and took me out for lunch and kind of gave me a good slap across the head with words. He reminded me not to get caught up in the Bethel relationship living and to just enjoy my dating relationship that I had going for the moment and just have fun and enjoy each others company. I mean he was right, there is no need to get serious so fast, but just enjoy the new stages of life as they come which was something that needed to be said.
Tonight I talked with a friend where she told me her struggles with singleness and had recently attended a friends wedding that had placed the category of singleness heavy on her shoulders. I couldn't help but relate with how difficult singleness was when I was in that category but all the good things I had learned and grew from that time.



This last weekend, my sister got engaged to the man of her dreams and I couldn't be more happy for her and her fiance as well as gaining a new brother. Everything about their engagement was beautiful including the ring.
Within a weekend, I was reminded of so many levels of relationships. The season of singleness, the dating and building season and the season of engagement and marriage to what can be for the rest of your life. I realized that whatever stage you are in at the moment to just enjoy it and ultimately give praise to the One who has given you this time and the life to enjoy these seasons of joy and trial. Don't get discouraged or fret that you are single, because in good time, God will bring that significant other. Don't get frustrated if you are dating and don't have a ring yet, because that should be a time for growth, learning and getting to know the person you are with. Don't be anxious when you finally have that ring moving towards your wedding, but embrace the time of planning and being with your significant other in a whole new level and meaning of a relationship. And when you're married, love each other unconditionally, serve one another humbly, care for each other deeply and continue to praise our Father above just as you have been for all the other stages of life.

Ephesians 4:2 "with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love."

Dancing with Jesus

On Wednesday nights I go to a young adults Bible study near the University I attend. I've been attending for about 4 months now and I couldn't be more pleased with how I have been receiving God's word and worshiping with fellow believers, but this last Wednesday was different, I danced with Jesus.

Growing up, we always seemed to have music playing throughout our house, whether that was Jack Johnson with a little Louis Armstrong What a Wonderful World, Christmas music during the holidays or the piano being plunked on by little kids. But one thing I've admired the most while the notes flowed through the house, was our families sporadic dancing, and not just as kids, but still goes on today as we are all now grown both in and out of college with families and nieces and nephews. And as my dad grabbed my hand and spun me around in circles to the sound of The Painter Song, by Norah Jones, I was always led with guidance and direction. Although we were not always the most coordinated at dancing, my dad still led me in the steps to the song, just as our Heavenly Father leads us with strong hands.

Last Wednesday night across the room, a girl was dancing and jumping, waving her hands in the air worshiping the Lord with all she had possible in her. There was no stopping her or holding her back from expressing her true love for God. She was on her knees, she was jumping in the air, she spun in circles and sang at the top of her lungs in worship. I couldn't help but giggle because I knew her feelings of being so in love with her Heavenly Father that all she wanted to do was dance. In 2 Samuel, David danced with all his might before the Lord because the Ark of the Lord was entering the city. He was so excited and so in love with God that he couldn't help but dance through the city as God directed his steps in worship. I told God that I too wanted to dance with Him. I wanted to be that little girl again dancing with my dad, expressing my true affection as He led me through the notes and words. I asked my Heavenly Daddy to dance with me that night and guide me, leading me through worship. I went towards the front where the worship band was playing and raised my hands in worship as I sang with all I had and danced with Jesus. He took my hand and guided me like I was a little girl again dancing with my dad. He led me through the steps while all I could do was smile and feel my heart swell with love as I danced off with Him.

Psalms 149:3 "Let them praise His name with dancing, and make music to Him with a tambourine and harp."

Forgotten Plans

I woke up this morning with birds chirping out my window, listening to Jack Johnson and sipping my coffee as I got ready for yet another beautiful day. Although I found out some unfortunate news that I was not expecting to hear later on that morning.

About a month ago, I applied for a job at a conference center near my hometown that coordinates weddings and events. Something that has been my dream job since I can remember. I am one of those girls that has had their wedding planned down to the finest details since middle school. I have hundreds of ideas pinned on Pinterest for that day I walk down the isle and say I do. I know what flowers I want, what dress to wear, how I want my hair, what the cake will look like and taste as well as the color of ribbons that will be tied on the chairs. When I saw this job open up, I typed up a resume, cover letter and references proof reading it over and over again while doing a mock interview to ultimately prepare myself for what could be my dream job. And as I was sipping my coffee early this morning for what I thought would be a beautiful day, I opened my email to find that I didn't get the job. Immediately I was crushed. I went over all the possible reasons in my head to why I didn't get the job and felt anger flow over my entire body as my muscles tightened and my nerves tingled. I don't understand, but what I do know is that God does.

I took a deep breath and let that bitter air leave my lungs and soaked in the good air. Reading those words over the email was not what I wanted to read; it was not in my plan. My plan was the get this job, get experience, make money and accomplish goals I've had since I was young. Yet I never stepped back to ask God what his plan was. Through my anger and bitterness, God told me to listen and stop making plans for myself and my future because without God in the center, those plans will never prevail. We can lay out a step by step process of what we want in our life and how we want to get there, but those plans can change in a split second if we don't always seek our Father first.

After those deep breaths were taken in, I sat back and simply asked "Lord what do you want me to do. Because where you go, I will follow. Here I am God, send me to the world."

Jeremiah 29:11 "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. I want you to enjoy success. I do not plan to harm you. I will give you hope for the years to come. When you call out to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me with all your heart, you will find me."

Unusual Serving

With a high of 75, it was a beautiful Saturday to take walks, lay in the sun and have a kick off to the first bonfire of the season and today I did just so. Although as evening rolled around, I was caught off guard by an unusual act of service. My feet were washed.

If you don't know the meaning of a foot washing ceremony, it can have several meanings to several people and is practiced among many different Christian denominations. But, one of the general themes of a foot  washing ceremony is the act of serving one another. Jesus carried out the greatest act of service to mankind, and He fully intends that we serve just as He did. He gave us the foot washing ceremony to teach us to be servants to one another, just as He came to serve us.

I was nearly barefoot the entire day letting the bottoms of my feet warm on the pavement, from which they have not felt all winter long. I stuck my feet in a cold green river, ran in the dirt and across the brown fields of grass. I walked on rocks and sand and even stepped in some sap as well as ashes from the late bonfire. My feet were dirty and smelly and even a little sticky.
As my boyfriend and I walked up to his house, I stated out loud how nasty my feet were and asked if I could wash them. He went upstairs and let the water run in the tub for me to rinse my feet in, and as I sat down on the edge to wash the dirt away, he asked if he could wash them for me. Without waiting for an answer he grabbed a bar of soap and washed my feet with gentleness and an act of service. I was taken back by his actions not expecting such gratitude. As I fought back the urge to giggle from my ticklish feet, he grabbed a towel and knelt down and dried my feet as well. As he did this, I was reminded of Jesus and how he came to serve. He served the unrighteous and washed the sinners feet, yet did not gloat and ask for anything in return. We should learn to serve just as Jesus did, and wash the sinners feet, and not ask for ours to be washed in return.

John 13:14-15 "Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you."

Spring Peepers

Today is one of the first days that I am able to sit outdoors with shorts on, sunglasses on my face and an iced vanilla latte in hand. It is simply beautiful. My dorm is right next to a small swamp, but as I sit outside near this swamp the sound of the spring peepers surpass all noises and I am reminded of home.
I grew up in a tiny town with a population of 635, a graduating class of 48 and not a stoplight in sight. I can walk out my door and run down a hill of grass and jump off a ledge onto a sandy beach followed by a clear lake and a splash. This place that I call home, is where I find God in the midst of madness, gladness and peacefulness. I am taken back by the creation surrounding us and the amazing beauty of a sunset and leaves on the trees or the simple sound of the spring peepers. In the late summer evenings I have the reassurance that I can run to the end of my dock or jump in my hammock and feel God there. I can lay back with a pile of blankets on my beach and look at the stars in awe with the sound of a crackling fire and the smell of s'mores knowing that without a doubt that the creator has blessed us immensely. Just simply being in Gods creation and enjoying the beauty is where I find God, and there is no other way that I would rather spend my time with Him. When I look at the still lake I am filled with wonder and almost sadness in a way that when some people look at this creation that our Heavenly Father has given us for our enjoyment, don't believe that there is a God. As I watch the fish swim under the dock I am crushed that people believed that this came about by a bang of chemical reactions and cells. As God shows me his beauty through the trees, the bees and the leaves, I find myself wanting to share this with more than just myself but show others the beauty and complexity of his surrounding works. As summer is rounding the corner, I know that I will be lost in creation yet found in His beauty with a cup of iced coffee in hand.

Psalms 104 "I will praise the Lord. Lord my God, you are very great. You are dressed in glory and majesty. You wrap yourself in light as if it were a robe. You spread the heavens out like a tent. You build your palace high in the heavens. You make the clouds serve as your chariot. You ride on the wings of the wind. You make the winds serve as your messengers. You make flashes of lightening serve you. You placed earth on its foundations. It can never be moved. You covered the oceans like a blanket. The waters covered the mountains. But you commanded the waters and they ran away. At the sound of your thunder they rushed off. They flowed down the mountains.They went into the valleys. You make springs pour water into the valleys. The springs give water to all of the wild animals. The birds of the air build nests by the waters, they sing among the branches. You water the mountains from your palace high in the clouds...The earth is filled with the thing you have made.

Thirsty

As I was driving home from a study date with a dear friend, I was taken back by the supremacy and sufficiency of our Lord and Savior that I felt compelled to write. Although not just simply write in my journal for myself, but to start sharing my words and heart with others because as Christians and followers of Christ, our faith is something that we shouldn't keep to ourselves but share with others.
Tonight I was asking myself the question, how am I being fed? Have I been feeding myself with selfish and worldly desires or have I been feeding myself with Gods love? Have I been feeding myself through the choices I make through by sitting on Netflix rather than going to the prayer chapel? I have been dehydrated and starved. God's word is the bread of life and the water for our soul, so why is it when we become thirsty we reach for a drink that will only quench our thirst temporarily rather than fill us?
After tonight, I realized I have been thirsting for fellowship. As a person who loves conversing with others and making new friends, I thrive after fellowship; big groups, small groups, prayer groups, worship groups and coffee dates. I love encouraging others and building people up as well as being encouraged and hearing others stories and struggles. Sometimes we can best learn from each other and what they have experienced as well as how God is working in their life daily. We shouldn't be afraid to share our faith with others, especially with our brothers and sisters in Christ, because simply asking how their walk with God has been could mean the world to someone or be a reminder to the other. Share verses with one another, say a prayer together or send a little encouragement to a friend this week. This evening I was fed through fellowship with a beautiful sister in Christ through talking about our experiences and where God is at in our lives as well as sitting on the living room floor working on homework. I was thirty and God didn't hold back from hydrating me. I was hungry and God provided the right foods to fill me.
So my question for you is how are you feeding yourself? Are you feeding yourself with the proper nutrients you need to fill you or are you filling yourself with junk food that will only satisfy you temporarily?

John 6:35 "Then Jesus declared, I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty."